REALITY BITES

September has swiftly arrived, with October close on its heels. These "BER" months serve as a reminder that the year is drawing to a close. Yet, here I am, still grappling with the past, struggling to move forward.

I find myself continuously trying to reconcile with the reality of this year, or even with the essence of my own existence. I am aware that the universe remains unchanged, unaffected by my failures, excesses, or shortcomings.

The "BER" months may have arrived, but I have yet to find my footing or regain my sense of self. Even my body has succumbed to the weariness brought on by the hardships I have endured.

How are you, my dear self? Do you still believe that escaping will provide a solution to everything?

Life has become an exhausting journey. Fatigue has carried me away, as I navigate through repetitive routines, trapped in a never-ending cycle, and plagued by the same weariness day after day.

Through it all, I have come to recognize the harsh truths that life holds.

That, everything in life has an end, whether it be a family member, a beloved pet, or a relationship.

That, we alone have the power to fulfill our desires. No one will sacrifice for our happiness except ourselves. No one will care for us in the exact way we crave or love us precisely as we envision.

That, not all actions can be reciprocated. The insignificant things we have given, said, or done often go unnoticed. We are not as important as we perceive ourselves to be.

That, in the stories of others, we are not the protagonists but often cast as the villains. It is not their fault for perceiving us this way; it is simply the nature of things.

That, this world does not show favoritism toward me or anyone else. Although this realization may dampen my motivation and inspiration, I have also come to understand that the world is impartial, treating everyone equally.

That, hardship is an inevitable part of life, even if we do not deserve it. And it sucks.

That, I am just an average individual, not inherently special or unique. I must seek validation from within, without comparing myself to others. Until I have proven my worth, I will remain invisible.

At certain moments, I realize that the only one who grants second chances is God. This knowledge deepens my appreciation for life. I am grateful for the opportunity to live, dream, and pursue my goals.

The harshest truth of all is that we only have one chance at life. It is up to us how we utilize that chance and how we embrace this truth.

Will we be consumed by fear and hesitation? Or will we take risks, seizing our opportunities, knowing that tomorrow offers another chance to try and try again?

Perhaps you believe that life would be better if you had not encountered or comprehended these truths. Would ignorance truly equate to bliss?

Well, the choice is yours. You can choose to be a mere speck in the vast universe or perceive yourself as the radiant star within your own personal cosmos.

The hard truth is that you are only human. You are bound to stumble and fall. You are not a superhero.

But remember, you are you, and it is entirely up to you whether you embrace and celebrate that unique essence.

How Did I Not Know

Heinrich's Incident Triangle explains: 

One high-severity incident is always preceded by 

29 minor incidents and 300 near-miss incidents. 

Before my relationship fell apart, there are smaller signs - 

like pieces of a puzzle I had missed.

Looking back, I can see the pieces  now:

🚩 His cellphone faced down more often...?

🚩 Last-minute, sudden cancellation of plans...?

🚩 Saying sorry like a habit..?.

🚩 Someone's unfamiliar trace...?

🚩 Watching the same movie he'd seen...?

🚩 Becoming secretive...?

🚩 Got busier at work...?

The cracks were forming, but my heart refused to see.

I loved the man I thought he was, not who he was becoming.

Still, I had hopes for him and gave him the benefit of the doubt,

making excuses to believe in our future,

But one day, the inevitable happened. Like trash tossed aside, 

he ended it all. He just shove the years we spent together into a garbage can.

The pieces of the puzzle clicked into a painful reality.

While I dreamed of growing together, our future together, 

he had already moved on with another. 

Of course we had problems - every relationship does.

But did that justify this brutal betrayal? 

Regardless...

Even if someone will die tomorrow, 

It's murder if you kill that person today.

Even if we had our issues, should he end things terribly?

Sure! I can't say I had no idea at all.

He was becoming cold, and I was more on edge.

Despite that, I tried harder.

I  worked on meeting his demands.

Yet, they say trying is not love.

Perhaps, what he shares with her is embodiment love?

That's the only thing I can think of 

for him to easily throw away what we had.

He must really love her...  

Perhaps, I too was also at fault...

Maybe, it is me who turned him into that kind of person...

Maybe, I ruined everything...

I shouldn't even think to become friends with him.

My conscience cannot bear the burden of molding him into this monster.

It's time let the past be past.

I cannot heal by clinging to what was of by blaming myself.

All I can do is let him go, and move forward in a way that honors my own worth.

The pieces of our puzzle no longer fit.. it's time to start a new picture.

An Apology to Myself

Dear Self,

I deeply apologize to have hurt you.

For all these times, I longed and searched for love in all the wrong places, company, and material things. It is just now that I realize that the one love you deserved the most all along was from me. Please accept my apology for not knowing how to love you, for being ignorant of the pain you felt, and for not trying to love you at all. The thing is, you are the one that needs my love the most and I was the one who treated you the worst.

I am truly sorry for years of self-loathing. Instead of appreciating your uniqueness, I have spent most of my life judging how you looked ~ telling you all the time that you weren't pretty enough, white enough, smart enough, and good enough. When you tried to rise and be strong, I would put all kinds of doubt in your mind instead of supporting you with love. I even made you believe that the opinions of others were most important. I gave you with a mentality that if someone hurt you, it was all your fault. I fed you the idea that your worth was based on other people's opinions and actions. But I'm telling you now that I was wrong.

It was my bad for impressing in your mind that anyone who didn't see you for who you are mattered. Apparently, they don't. I know you spent so much energy trying to get the approval of others for I have been your greatest critic. The approval you're longing for, I never gave it to you. Over time, it destroyed you inside. It bothered you. It made your vulnerable. Whenever someone you loved hurt or betrayed you,  you'll start to feel broken because you believed your worth depended on the love you received from them.

The truth is.. you are an amazing, loving soul. All the things you view as imperfections are what make you the beautiful person you truly are. Love deeply the ones who see you for you and love you unconditionally. Let go of those who don't. For the ones who choose to hurt instead of love are battling their own self-worth issues. I'm telling you, they should not have a single effect of how you view yourself.

I know now the importance of telling you to let go of what no longer serves you. The love you have to give is only worthy to those who understand this. I see now the thoughts that I've put in your mind have damaged you and caused you so much emotional pain. You have suffered depression and anxiety because I blamed you for never being good enough for anyone.. especially me.

These thoughts came from experiences I had as a child and never learned how to process them. I see now the thoughts I gave you of trust issues, fears of abandonment, and the need to be loved even in unhealthy ways came from experiences that were not my fault. I have learned from these circumstances. They no longer need to define who I am. They no longer need to reflect negatively on you.

I am sorry for not loving you all these years, but I'm learning how to now. From this day forward, I promise to make choices each day to be more supportive, more encouraging, and more loving to you than the day before. I believe this will, in turn, reflect out from you for everyone around you to see you are even more amazing than you already were all along.

Love,

Me

Reflections On My 29th

I am in this state where I still can't believe that I'm just a year away from 30 :). Truly, oldness setting in! Amidst that, I wanted to take a minute to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to write me a comment or a message on Facebook or texted me in my phone. I have been so pleasantly overwhelmed by the outpouring of greetings and love.
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I have so much to be grateful for. First of all, I am thankful for my family. It's an incredible feeling to know that no matter what, you have people who support and love you unconditionally. Also, I feel thankful to have met my boyfriend, when I was 25. It's the most spectacular thing to meet a prince the first try, without having to endure toads. I have such respect and love for him. He's a true gentleman and I'm excited for our journey together. Above all, to God, for giving me a truly blessed life.

Being on the cusp of 29 makes me reflect on some of the interesting experiences, losses, achievements, and lessons I gained. Like how I tend to reflect on the past year as the clock nears midnight on New Year's Eve; i have been doing a lot of self reflection as a new chapter of my life story will begin to unfold. Without a doubt I knew that I was able to fill my 28 years with much happiness, excitement, passion, and hard work as I could. I spent my 28 years pursuing my dreams, scanning city every city for a suitable abode for my family, exploring and traveling the world (the country) with my significant one and friends, and carving a career for myself all at the same time. Was it 100% easy, not at all. My parent separated for indefinite period of time, my brother migrated to Canada for greener pasture, responsibilities at work are getting bigger, rewards are harder to attain, bills and cost of living are getting more expensive, and relationship problems are getting more complicated. But those dilemmas have made my transition to life a bit more exciting (I guess!) and rewarding. Through these experiences, I have learned so much. I developed confidence and self assurance by enduring all those conflict situations. The journey I have gone through has taught me to understand who I am, what I stand for, my values, beliefs, and standards. I feel like toward the end of my twenties, I have come into my own and have some answers to what I once questioned. 

Also, I believe my twenties were a great time where I established genuine friendships and discovered which ones who will go the distance. People have come and gone (unfortunately sometimes you lose touch and some I am pleased with were gone). To those who have chosen to continue to grow with me are truly cherished. These are friends that I know will be lifelong. I remember a saying I once read. If you can count your true friends  in life on one hand, you are very blessed. I know that having these true friends makes me the luckiest person in the world.

My ultimate learning? Embrace every moment with your loved ones. Over the last few years, I think I have become more aware of appreciating life and the people in it. After my parents' separation and my brother's migration; our family all being in one place at the one time had become impossible. It is only now that I realize and appreciate the times we are all together before. They are precious and I have to admit, in those moments I regret that I never try my hardest to soak them all in. I want those moments now be etched in my memory forever because I know that memory, they will all be. I also cant help but feel a little pang and lump in the back of my throat because I feel and fear that we (my family) will never be complete again. 

I will NEVER claim that I am wiser nor a lot more mature now. Hell no! There's a lot of mature and bright 16-year olds that I have met and also a lot of immature and ignorant 46-year olds. No. Maturity, intelligence, compassion, or ability can not be quantified based on the number of years, months, or days one has been walking this earth.

In the future, I hope for wondrous things to come. Making a difference and putting my mark in the world; achieving goals professionally and personally, a family of my own, time spent creating memories with loved ones, to travel and delight in the opportunity to learn, grow, and experience.

Before, the idea of nearing 30-dom (if there's such as word!) is a big dread for me. It seems as though, becoming older is something that is supposed to be feared or dreaded. Well now, I can truly honestly say, I don't think so anymore. Maybe, years of living independently; facing your fears and problems by yourself; and getting up after each and every trial have toughened my resolve and beliefs. Age to me is simply a number. There's no need to be afraid of a number, an age, or the idea of getting older. It is nothing to fear, rather, it is an opportunity to own your life! 

As the sun rises on my 29th year and 1st day tomorrow, I feel appreciation for the past, contentment for the now, and excitement for the future. With lots of change on the horizon, I have a sense that this final chapter of my twenties will be the best yet...

#fa

Being alone – the most terrible thing I hate about being in an unorthodox relationship. It is a time when a ruthless monster, created from my repressed objections and thoughts, can freely torture me. Unfortunately, no amounts of earth-shattering rationalizations can silence her. I can do nothing about her but be a helpless victim. Now that I am alone again, she is here to once again torment me.

There is an “event” and I have been politely told to stay away from him. I feel awful, and so I’m writing. Maybe you might be thinking right now that I am in a ‘sinful’ affair when I said that I am in an orthodox relationship. Do not be misled. I am not an “other woman.” He doesn’t have a ring on his finger. I am not “just another girlfriend” either because I am the only girlfriend. However, despite being his lover; I cannot exist for now. I feel like I am a “concubine.” In all of his relationships and priorities, I only come second.

In the eyes of everyone who both know us, we are just normal acquaintances or friends. We rarely talk in public. Once he said, we are like criminals whose only crime is to love. With all the sacred rules we disobeyed, maybe we are. Call the cops, we are criminals. So why not end all the drama and find someone less complicated? Because I am in love.

There. I just invoked the classic excuse. I am in love with a wonderful man. He is a great guy who loves poems and cats. He cooks and sings. He is everything I’m not. We are from totally opposite poles, maybe that’s why we click. When I am with him, I feel like I can take on the whole world. I may be having delusions of grandeur, but I sure am happy.

People fall in love at unexpected times, in unexpected ways. I never expected to fall in love like this. But here I am, writing my thoughts and emotions, trying to justify my situation. I am on the other side, the side that is frequently misunderstood. I feel the need to explain myself and speak for all those women who have found love under the most unexpected circumstances.

This sounds defensive, but women in this kind of relationship are not gullible idiots who were lured by honeyed tongues and romantic pursuits. We have considered the situation. We have been through a lot of brain work and have given the matter a lot of thought. We are not blind. We see the picture from every angle. We are both our prosecutor and defendant. We have not lost our minds. And we are not crazy women who abandon all logic and allow our emotions to take over. We think a lot, and we feel deeply. We listen to sound advice but in the end, we always follow whatever we think is good for us. Hardheaded, yes, but we are not idiots. We have actually met the persons we can connect with on a cosmic level. So spare the judgment and give us a little credit for braving the odds.

Love is simple. Relationships are complicated. And you have a choice. I have made mine, and it makes me happy. Most of the time.

STRANGER

wish you we're here...

Been walking for hours
mind’s been flying
tears escape her eyes
even how much she’s trying
finally sat down
in a bench in a park
tired of everything
that requires so much work
a stranger finally noticed
he thought it’s just an apparition
a lady sitting in a bench
crying and dimming her vision
he could not bear to watch
such a beautiful lady cry
so he held out his handkerchief
and to help he though’t he’d try
The lady looked up from the ground
and she gave a little gasp
a stranger right in front of her
looks like want to help
She accepted the hanky gratefully
but no words came out her mouth
but before she recomposed herself
the stranger’s gone and out

HAPPY VALENTINES

I should have posted it yesterday. But a late post still suffice. I deem, there's enough residual of Valentines vibe in the air still. 

Aaagh.. [How should I start?]

Before he came along, I dont fuss much about Valentines at all. For the longest time, I contented myself watching Hugh Grant movie marathon as my version of celebrating this occasion. Dont get me wrong. I was not bitter being single every Valentines Day before, actually it NEVER sucked. 

Another aaaagh.... [Cringe starts creeping in]

I just really want to share this another first in my life - celebrating VALENTINES; how me and my special someone named [Put your name here] celebrate this special occasion.  

THE PLACE: We chose to celebrate this day at, nothing else but, our special place called SM (HAHA!!). Yes! it is special, well.. at least for both us (or is it just me?). It is the place where we first ----, first ----, first ----, and so many other firsts we shared. I swear! we never go any place else. That's me being a very low maintenance GF.

THE GIFT: I was expecting that he would give a nice bouquet of flowers, or chocolates, or stuff toys, or something like what he usually gives me on our monthsarrys. And, I ate my heart out, when he handed me a National Bookstore paper bag and inside that is a MUG. Maybe, he felt sad when he sensed that I didnt like the gift that much. And, it was very childish of me to make it very obvious to him. It is not that I don't like the gift. I only hoped for something else. Surprisingly, as I arrived home and took a good look at the stuff, I came to understand how special the gift is, specially the box where it is contained. There are quotes and phrases scribbled in it that reminded me of how we first get to know each other. Some of the phrases goes like this:

"If I were to fall in love, it would have to be with YOUR EYES, YOUR SMILE. The way you laugh. The things you say and do take me to the places my heart never knew. So, if I were to fall in love, it would have to be with you." 

PLAY TIME: After a not-that-sumptuous yet heavy meal; lots of 'kuliglig' moments; and his tirades of 'pang-aasar', we went to Tom's. We got to enjoy being child again with the games the amusement center offers.

MOVIE TIME: Our date would never be complete without watching a movie or two. Yes! we have tried to watch two different movies in a day (ganun lang kami kaadik!). Anyways, I never thought I would appreciate an action film as a movie date for this special occasion. Though SAFEHOUSE is not my kind of flicks, I still got to enjoy it. With him beside me explaining the plot and all, I got to the flow of the story.

All in all, we had a blast spending Valentine’s day in each other’s company despite how simply we chose to celebrate it. Hope all you cheesy couples had a great time too!

 Woooh... [lovebug]

Notice the downpour of the word 'special' in this narration? That's how I regard this unforgettable FIRST in my life. <3 <3 <3