Arrrgh..
Tonight, I’ve said more words than needed: the words coated with poisoned darts aimed to tear into the ears of the intended victims. Sometimes, the things that hurt most are not the curse words or the loud yells. The things that hurt us most are whispered with certainty; uttered with dead silence. Words like marriage of convenience, or I can’t stand the sight of you. Words like Good luck with finding someone else, or what’s wrong with you? Words that should have never been born. Words that should have been killed on the tongues.
But then, sometimes, the soundless words are the worst. The roll of the eyes, the audible sigh, the faraway look, the distance between two bodies, the unnatural quietness. They all scream help us; we are drifting apart into the open sea without a sail. Things that are worth saving will require more than carefully chosen words, but the right words at the right time with the right looks might be a good start. To get to the destination, two sides have to meet in the middle.
Tuesday
I was having a nice text convo with ____. He told me about his dream.
Him: It was pain and pleasure, -_-"
I tried to imaging what dream he had. Maybe about his dreams.. the one about fulfilling his dream of being a musician. I wonder if I am a part of it.
Me: Bakit pain and pleasure?
Him: Its a lazy Sunday morning. Mag-asawa na tayong dalawa at magkasama kahit matanda na. Akala ko totoo, tas nagising nako
Upon knowing this, how I wish he's here.
There's a pang guilt because I thought of it was all about achieving his dream and me being left behind. And joy, because I was there in his dreams.
Me: I wanna hug you right now. I just miss you
Him: Awww :) i miss you too :*
It felt good knowing I'm part of his dream.
February 21, 2014
Friday
The date tomorrow is more significant than of today. 22 is significant with my relationship with ____. It was the day we officially called ourselves a couple. The day we put a tag to what we have. 22nd of every month plays a reminder of how long we've been together. But really, I just stopped counting. We never actually celebrated out monthssary. And anniversaries begin to become dull. We often ran into fights. So I stopped longing for a celebration nor surprises. we can celebrate in any other days anyway. Even it is not our monthssary or anniversary. Because with such occasions, let us admit that money has a vital role to make it special. And I don't have it right now. So, ____ and I are going to celebrate today big time.
*********
I was calling him. No answer. Just keeps on ringing. I bet he's still asleep. Probably stayed up all through the night with his hobbies. I think I'm losing my temper again. Because again, I was over analyzing things. I just feel like he's looking forward to be in his room (reading, resting, watching, texting with friends)) rather than looking forward to see and be with me, And he spent most of his time on his hobbies. And even when we're together, those are still what he talks about. There's nothing wrong about that. He just wants to share it with me. open up to me.
I guess. It's just me. And my uncontrollable tantrums. I guess I am just frustrated with myself because I can no longer make him happy. Which made me realize, I am serious most of the time. Quiet, distant, emotionless, boring... I am very aware of that. maybe because I wanted to protect myself. But sometimes, when I see couples walking, passing by me.. The girl laughing. i ask myself why I cant be like that. Why am I not like that? I want to be perky and hyped and a little crazy. But I'm restraining myself.
Less talk, less mistake.
I just really don't understand myself.
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