An Apology to Myself

Dear Self,

I deeply apologize to have hurt you.

For all these times, I longed and searched for love in all the wrong places, company, and material things. It is just now that I realize that the one love you deserved the most all along was from me. Please accept my apology for not knowing how to love you, for being ignorant of the pain you felt, and for not trying to love you at all. The thing is, you are the one that needs my love the most and I was the one who treated you the worst.

I am truly sorry for years of self-loathing. Instead of appreciating your uniqueness, I have spent most of my life judging how you looked ~ telling you all the time that you weren't pretty enough, white enough, smart enough, and good enough. When you tried to rise and be strong, I would put all kinds of doubt in your mind instead of supporting you with love. I even made you believe that the opinions of others were most important. I gave you with a mentality that if someone hurt you, it was all your fault. I fed you the idea that your worth was based on other people's opinions and actions. But I'm telling you now that I was wrong.

It was my bad for impressing in your mind that anyone who didn't see you for who you are mattered. Apparently, they don't. I know you spent so much energy trying to get the approval of others for I have been your greatest critic. The approval you're longing for, I never gave it to you. Over time, it destroyed you inside. It bothered you. It made your vulnerable. Whenever someone you loved hurt or betrayed you,  you'll start to feel broken because you believed your worth depended on the love you received from them.

The truth is.. you are an amazing, loving soul. All the things you view as imperfections are what make you the beautiful person you truly are. Love deeply the ones who see you for you and love you unconditionally. Let go of those who don't. For the ones who choose to hurt instead of love are battling their own self-worth issues. I'm telling you, they should not have a single effect of how you view yourself.

I know now the importance of telling you to let go of what no longer serves you. The love you have to give is only worthy to those who understand this. I see now the thoughts that I've put in your mind have damaged you and caused you so much emotional pain. You have suffered depression and anxiety because I blamed you for never being good enough for anyone.. especially me.

These thoughts came from experiences I had as a child and never learned how to process them. I see now the thoughts I gave you of trust issues, fears of abandonment, and the need to be loved even in unhealthy ways came from experiences that were not my fault. I have learned from these circumstances. They no longer need to define who I am. They no longer need to reflect negatively on you.

I am sorry for not loving you all these years, but I'm learning how to now. From this day forward, I promise to make choices each day to be more supportive, more encouraging, and more loving to you than the day before. I believe this will, in turn, reflect out from you for everyone around you to see you are even more amazing than you already were all along.

Love,

Me