#fa

Being alone – the most terrible thing I hate about being in an unorthodox relationship. It is a time when a ruthless monster, created from my repressed objections and thoughts, can freely torture me. Unfortunately, no amounts of earth-shattering rationalizations can silence her. I can do nothing about her but be a helpless victim. Now that I am alone again, she is here to once again torment me.

There is an “event” and I have been politely told to stay away from him. I feel awful, and so I’m writing. Maybe you might be thinking right now that I am in a ‘sinful’ affair when I said that I am in an orthodox relationship. Do not be misled. I am not an “other woman.” He doesn’t have a ring on his finger. I am not “just another girlfriend” either because I am the only girlfriend. However, despite being his lover; I cannot exist for now. I feel like I am a “concubine.” In all of his relationships and priorities, I only come second.

In the eyes of everyone who both know us, we are just normal acquaintances or friends. We rarely talk in public. Once he said, we are like criminals whose only crime is to love. With all the sacred rules we disobeyed, maybe we are. Call the cops, we are criminals. So why not end all the drama and find someone less complicated? Because I am in love.

There. I just invoked the classic excuse. I am in love with a wonderful man. He is a great guy who loves poems and cats. He cooks and sings. He is everything I’m not. We are from totally opposite poles, maybe that’s why we click. When I am with him, I feel like I can take on the whole world. I may be having delusions of grandeur, but I sure am happy.

People fall in love at unexpected times, in unexpected ways. I never expected to fall in love like this. But here I am, writing my thoughts and emotions, trying to justify my situation. I am on the other side, the side that is frequently misunderstood. I feel the need to explain myself and speak for all those women who have found love under the most unexpected circumstances.

This sounds defensive, but women in this kind of relationship are not gullible idiots who were lured by honeyed tongues and romantic pursuits. We have considered the situation. We have been through a lot of brain work and have given the matter a lot of thought. We are not blind. We see the picture from every angle. We are both our prosecutor and defendant. We have not lost our minds. And we are not crazy women who abandon all logic and allow our emotions to take over. We think a lot, and we feel deeply. We listen to sound advice but in the end, we always follow whatever we think is good for us. Hardheaded, yes, but we are not idiots. We have actually met the persons we can connect with on a cosmic level. So spare the judgment and give us a little credit for braving the odds.

Love is simple. Relationships are complicated. And you have a choice. I have made mine, and it makes me happy. Most of the time.